I feel so terribly sad, I guess, tonight. Though it is a loving, pleasant feeling. Thinking about beautiful Thanksgiving and all the beautiful happy families who will be loving each other. It's really great.

Then there are the starving malnourished people, the homeless people. People just like you and me. And they've got nobody to love them and they're going to die.

It's just life, it's just life. Ahhhh.

Somebody made a good suggestion today: Go feed the ducks. I was a little depressed about the redundancy of napping.

So I took a piece of bread and went to the ducks. But they all jumped in the water as I approached. It was a really pretty afternoon anyway. It had rained; the clouds were passing. Violet and pink reflecting off the pavement.

I wonder if I still have my Dick Tracy figures. ha! I had them all...I bought them with cans. Not actually handing the cashier cans, but you know. I remember one time, my friends and I brought cans back... They took the cans outside once they cashed them. Then we took the cans again and ran away from the attendant. I had all the figures except No Face (or what have you) which you had to specially order from Sears or something.

I'm thinking about sending my He-Men to Atticus. I wonder if he'd like them.

Man, there are all kinds of houses for rent around here for like $350.

Havin' a jaw ache today. Nothin' to do.

There are actually people who exist who are adept at controlling other people simply by changing their emotional tone, acting. There are people who make a game of this and treat people they are supposed to love, who need their love, as though they don't even exist. Merely objects.

It may not always be possible to tell who these people are. It could be practically anyone, and you wouldn't know until you were sucked in. And after forty years of hell, you'll still be being pawned because you'll be fooled emotionally into thinking it's what's best for you. Or that there is an immediate danger in being any other way.

I don't think people really understand this. There are actually people like this out there. It isn't even that extremely uncommon.

It doesn't matter, and yet it really does. It doesn't because life is nothing if you can't build trusting relationships with other people. But it does because these people are actually out there and you can get trapped. *shrug*

I guess everyone already knew there were crazy people out there. It's just something I find fascinating.

I got the job at Staples! I'm going to be a screen printer. I don't actually get to make the designs, but I get to operate the machine and change the screens and maybe paint and such. Pay is somewhere between eight fifty and ten fifty an hour for this. I didn't quite understand. But it definitely beats Walm-Art.

So sooner rather than later I'll be able to get my own apt.ment. I'm getting apt. Then everyone can come visit me.

On another note, certain people, strangers, and situations have begun seeming eerily familiar to me, as though I have...seen them somewhere before. Strange phenomenon. Anybody else get this? I wouldn't call it deja vu exactly.

I am coming face to face with the things I don't need as a person. The things you're conditioned to want, but that, perhaps, I really don't want at all. Buddhism.

My delusions...perhaps the only one I suffer from is the delusion that I can rid myself of all delusion. But daily I have been undergoing changes of perspective, almost like becoming an entirely different person, though I'm only becoming more true to myself, as my delusions are trampled. And I am crushed. It's fun to see clearly.

I have no regrets. Everything is perfect as it is, being entirely necessary for existence to exist. Because it is the way it is. When you're delusional you can't really make the choices that are best for yourself, because in a way you're really not being yourself. You look back in better light and you understand just as clearly as anyone else how bad you were being. And hope for understanding. What's been lost, what's been gained? What will be gained?

Nothing beats being small. You have no obligations. No false image to attain.

Things are going pretty well for me, I suppose. Well, firstly, I installed Windows 98 on this second hand computer I got from my parents. Why because Windows XP: too slow, and also due to the sound on the Science theme that says "You're not Andy." It really does say that, like, whenever you either close out or minimize a window. It's fun. Sometimes I hear it; sometimes I don't. It's weird. Unfortunately I can't listen to it, because Windows 98 isn't compatible with anything anymore, and I can't seem to get audio playback...wow...like anyone cares. Etc. etc. I'm having fun junking around with this computer and am pretty proud that I got the internet on it at all, is there any possible way for me to escape the nerd moniker now.

For some reason...whatever Firefox I'm using...like 2.0 or something (whatever is compatible with Windows 98)...this dialogue box, the text in it blinks. I love my new computer.

Uh... Got a call back from Staples for a second interview, but this time for some sector called "Decorations". Evidently there was an ad in the paper not just for warehouse, but for screenprinting as well. I don't know if that's what decorations is, but that would kind of kick ass if I got to use a screenprinting machine. Or even decorate stuff.

((I got the sound working!))

Woke up at 7, got my coffee on.  This is lame and will probably end in a heart attack.  Maybe quit. 

The job interview went well, I think.  I felt a little like Jack Torrence, as it was just a guided tour of the grounds.  It was very, very...  I don't know what the word is.  Like, a fabric store, except a Staples distribution warehouse.

Afterwards I drove to Tri-State Nursing.  I drank a disgusting flavored Mountain Dew along the way.  I peed in the cup, and washed my hands, and the nurse was peevish.  For I was not supposed to wash my hands.  I was allowed to drink exactly two and a half cups of water.  I did better the second time around.

That was my day.  Walking around Staples and peeing in cups. 

Thanks Stephanie!  I got your letter and postcard today and they are delightful.  I will write you a letter too before the night is through!

Today:

Today I had an interview at Target, for which I got the job.  It's seasonal with the possibility that I will be hired on to continue employment.  Afterwards I stopped at a new thrift store I discovered, where I purchased a winter hat and two pair of argyle socks.  Then I went to a Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant and ordered food.  Then I went home.

I have another interview at Staples in the morning, and the UPS called for another seasonal job.  I'll probably take the Staples job if I get that, just because it isn't seasonal.  The next job I have I'll probably stay with for a while.  If I don't get it on the spot, I have to drive back to Sioux City to take a drug test.

I'm so anxious to get my own place and decorate it, make it homey.  Anybody can come over any time and crash.  I'll have a coffee table, so the possibilities are pretty much unlimited.  There are so many things you can do on or with a table.  You can even talk about the table itself if it's interesting enough.

Oh it will be wonderful.

I accidentally filed my fafsa at fafsa.com instead of fafsa.edu.gov, and they charged me $75 and took my credit card number and Social Security number.  I wrote them an email asking for a refund.  I don't know my own charges, so when I look at my bank statement, I can't really tell if someone is stealing from me or not.  I'm gonna be keeping an eye out these next couple of weeks!

Check it out.  She's only really just started painting, too.  Amazing!  Dunno if I was supposed to share, as she showed it to me in private.  (Somebody tell me if that's wrong to do for some reason.)  I can only hope to be half as good as her if I ever start painting.  Somebody needs to be hiring that girl...putting her through college for free or something.  I don't know.

I've been going to the thrift stores a lot lately. 

The thrift stores around here are really, really good.  So far I've raked in a killing, and I will recap (please read):

1. Yellow crushed velvet rocking chair.  Kind of hard to explain how awesome it is.
2. Dialite clock from Westclox which glows reddish orange at night.
3. Today I bought an electric candelabra.  These are kind of a dime a dozen, but it's pleasant to read Dracula comics by.
4. Today I bought one of those exercise machines which is like, handlebars hooked to a coil hooked to pedals.

The lady at the thrift store said that people buy those things and never use them.  And I told her I never get any exercise.

5. A print of some famous painting about collecting oysters on the beach.  It's really nice.
6. Comic books
7. Other stuff.

I started thinking about what my sister would say if I wanted to go back to Milwaukee today.  I've had an extreme calming down these past...ten months.  I never want to be this...psychologically raped again as long as I live.  There were moments where I was literally trying to rip my hair out of my head.  I do not like being controlled.  Though I do wish there was someone I could trust to tell me exactly when to shut up.

I've become a thrift store junkie.  I just want to go back tomorrow.  I've really got nothing else to do.  Maybe go to the one in Le Mars, or travel to Sioux Center and see what they've got.  So bored.  I don't know what else they could possibly have that I need.  I've been looking for sweaters.  There's all kinds of cool shit -- I just don't need it.  There's gotta be something though.  Something to be my special friend during this crisis of my life.  A new friend every day!

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it's that there are people who will just be there for you.  Who love you and are your friends.  It's really amazing.  People like Stephanie!  Who I got another package from today with cool prizes.  Back to my old self again?

So I got up the gumption to go by myself to a show that was advertised last night, Midwest Metal in Sioux City.  There was much Halloweening going down on Historic 4th Street.  (No idea why it's historic.  I thought about it driving there yesterday and thought...maybe it was Sioux City's first 2-way street.)  Not long after I sat down at a table with my Bud Light, when what to my dazzling eyes did appear, but Jess!  She had come to see Rich's band play.  This was a very good thing, or I would have ended up sitting by myself at that table all night. 

Then we went to the strip club.  Jess works there and we were going to bowl.  But she didn't like the looks of the characters in the back.  It was weird for me, because I'd driven past a few days before and told myself I'd never go in a strip club, not for me, and then someone asks me and I'm like, "Okay!"  How fish-out-of-water did I look, I wonder.  I wonder if that's the last time I ever go to a strip club.  Probably.  I think it was a good thing to see at least once, definitely not what I expected.  This particular strip club was so dense and small, it kind of reminded me of people crowded together on fold-out chairs in somebody's back yard.  Jess eventually got called in to work and I drove home. 

All in all, not a bad Halloween.  Better than sleeping at home, I guess.  Though sleeping at home I would have had more opportunities to imagine pumpkins and witches flying across the hallowed moon.

Oh, and the show was being picketed by Christians with "Christ Died For Your Sins" signs.  Which, of course, only had the effect of adding atmosphere to the evening. 

OHHH...and I went to the Goodwill yesterday and they had tons of comics, in book form, in mint condition.  I couldn't get them all, but I picked up Watchmen, Ultimate X-Men "Magnetic North", Ultimate X-Men "Ultimate War", Ultimate Spider-Man "Ultimate Six", and Essential the Tomb of Dracula.  I don't really read comics, but I thought they seemed interesting.  The lady at the counter was like, "You must like comics."  And I said, "No, just thought I'd give it a try."  And I bought a hat with a furry bob on the top.  It says PNM around it and I don't know what that means, but I can make something up.

extratv.warnerbros.com/2009/07/wife_burns_hubbys_privates_for.php

I feel less alone this morning.  And I have a headache.  Think I'm getting sick.  

I wanted to apply for a job.  Their sign outside said to apply at the kiosk inside.  The kiosk was from 1979.  It didn't work.  So after like, two minutes, I got up and left.

It wasn't a total bust, though!  I stopped by Hillview Park on the way and took some pictures.



( Gray Iowa day )

97 percentile Reading, 98 percentile English, 92 percentile Math.  Shit's goin' down, dawg.

Signed up for classes.  Yeah.  Aaand...I already had a credit in Composition.

Yay!!!

I got the call back from Bamboo Village about being their Chinese food delivery boy.  I could live with this.  I wonder if they would pay for gas.  I don't know how that works.  I would hope...they would pay for gas...  'Cause otherwise I'll end up losing money to work for someone, which just wouldn't seem right.  But then again, maybe most of the time I'll just be sitting there eating Chinese food.  That would kind of rock.

Maybe I'll decorate my car with Bamboo Village paraphernalia and everyone will say, "There it is.  The Bamboo Village car." 

Tomorrow I go to WIT for my meeting with the adviser.  Don't really want to do any of this.  Want to find a girlfriend and go live wherever she is.

Today I received yet another lovely package from xstephanigox with delightful rolls and taffy and other baked goods.  And an awesome pin which I put on my jacket which says "R. FOR RABID" so everyone will get the picture right off the bat. :)  Thanks Stephanie...

Ugh.  Tomorrow is the day of The Big Exam, as I like to call it.  Even though I haven't had anybody to call it that to since I applied.  It would have been intriguing to them; it's a shame.  I don't know how well I'll do, but as Stephanie and I have been discussing...

TRYING IS SUCCESS!

I went to WIT today to see if they had computer practice exams, and they ended up giving me the same stack of practice tests I already had.  I turned around and drove all the way back home.

I applied for college the other day.  I have an appointment on Thursday and must take an entrance exam for placement.  I don't have exceedingly high hopes for this, but I'll try.  I'm going to go down there today and see if I can find some practice stuff on their computer systems -- I think they're supposed to have practice stuff.  And go apply for some jobs.  Mayhaps I will move to Sioux City when this is all through while I attend school and work.  

Mayhaps not. 

I need to take a shower.  I had really intense dreams this morning.  I hate how, in my dreams, I feel so intensely, but then when I wake up I start criticizing my own ability to feel and don't feel as strongly anymore, when I know those feelings must have been real.  

Yesterday I was thinking about Callie and Pup and it's always been confusing to me as to how I should feel, because maybe they survived.  But then I realized I just wished they were here now.

I've been having terrible dreams.  They aren't terrible as such in your general nightmarish sort of way.  The feeling is just one of abysmal detachment. 

Decorative porcelain drinking fountains for sale, crudely made to look like Donald Duck...spraying some innocent girl off my lawn with a high pressure hose while telling her "No shit allowed."  More examples of which I daren't even speak.

I wonder how filthy the air in this house is.  I stay in my bedroom with the window open, though it's starting to freeze outside.  There is a room in this house that is blocked off.  It has been for a few years.  The trees outside scraped a hole in the roof, and my dad never bothered to fix it.  I think "vile" would be the word.

And I'm quite prepared for this house to explode.  I've come to terms with that. 

I'm probably going to go down to WIT, maybe today, and see about taking some classes.  It doesn't help to write in this journal, because it makes it feel as though I have some sort of connection to the outside world, when it is my hellish desperation that is motivating me onward.  I've never felt like I've truly gotten the opportunity to bemoan my lot in life, which I think holds me back a bit.  I live in a world of shit, and I hardly complain at all.  

I suppose if I could even complain, it would be as though I was actually doing fine.  And then you have to take into account all of the people who just don't give a shit, and I wouldn't, but I'm in a worse mess.  I guess when your life has been as unfair as mine has (boo hoo, yeah yeah)...you start to wonder if it isn't some kind of curse or endurance test.  It's like I'm constantly getting fucked over just for being the way I am.  Or I've always given myself over to people who are horrible for me, always for their benefit, never for mine.  Maybe that's different now...maybe I'll start running into people who actually care about me and have concern for my well-being in a real way.  But then, you get so lonely...it's like, nothing matters except being around someone. 

Oh well...I suppose there is just no telling.

Addendum: Went to the Salvation Army and saw a porcelain Donald Duck lid only to a cookie jar.  Premonition?

What makes a cat special?  Their personality.

Well...last night, I was laying down in bed and Callie came into my room.  She started peeing in my bed, and I got pee on my foot.  I was like, "What is going on?"  "Why would my foot suddenly be warm, besides pee?"  But it was pee, of course.  There's no mistaking it.  

Now, why does a pee in bed precede a death?  I don't know -- I figured she just had to pee.  

So she climbed up on my keyboard, and as I lay there, she stared at me.  It was a strange gaze, in retrospect as if she was getting a last look at me.  I set her on the floor and she went to sleep.  The last I saw of her, she was moving her legs and making happy noises, like she was running after a mouse or something.

She was 17 years old...  Which is something like...400 years old in cat years.