Andy Van Berkum

My day Today, 2: the Quickening

2009-11-11T05:36:53Z

Woke up at 7, got my coffee on. This is lame and will probably end in a heart attack. Maybe quit.

The job interview went well, I think. I felt a little like Jack Torrence, as it was just a guided tour of the grounds. It was very, very... I don't know what the word is. Like, a fabric store, except a Staples distribution warehouse.

Afterwards I drove to Tri-State Nursing. I drank a disgusting flavored Mountain Dew along the way. I peed in the cup, and washed my hands, and the nurse was peevish. For I was not supposed to wash my hands. I was allowed to drink exactly two and a half cups of water. I did better the second time around.

That was my day. Walking around Staples and peeing in cups.

My day today.

2009-11-10T05:47:23Z

Thanks Stephanie! I got your letter and postcard today and they are delightful. I will write you a letter too before the night is through!

Today:

Today I had an interview at Target, for which I got the job. It's seasonal with the possibility that I will be hired on to continue employment. Afterwards I stopped at a new thrift store I discovered, where I purchased a winter hat and two pair of argyle socks. Then I went to a Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant and ordered food. Then I went home.

I have another interview at Staples in the morning, and the UPS called for another seasonal job. I'll probably take the Staples job if I get that, just because it isn't seasonal. The next job I have I'll probably stay with for a while. If I don't get it on the spot, I have to drive back to Sioux City to take a drug test.

I'm so anxious to get my own place and decorate it, make it homey. Anybody can come over any time and crash. I'll have a coffee table, so the possibilities are pretty much unlimited. There are so many things you can do on or with a table. You can even talk about the table itself if it's interesting enough.

Oh it will be wonderful.

I accidentally filed my fafsa at fafsa.com instead of fafsa.edu.gov, and they charged me $75 and took my credit card number and Social Security number. I wrote them an email asking for a refund. I don't know my own charges, so when I look at my bank statement, I can't really tell if someone is stealing from me or not. I'm gonna be keeping an eye out these next couple of weeks!

Proud o' my big sis.

2009-11-04T04:44:39Z

Check it out. She's only really just started painting, too. Amazing! Dunno if I was supposed to share, as she showed it to me in private. (Somebody tell me if that's wrong to do for some reason.) I can only hope to be half as good as her if I ever start painting. Somebody needs to be hiring that girl...putting her through college for free or something. I don't know.

:L

2009-11-03T04:58:52Z

I've been going to the thrift stores a lot lately.

The thrift stores around here are really, really good. So far I've raked in a killing, and I will recap (please read):

1. Yellow crushed velvet rocking chair. Kind of hard to explain how awesome it is.
2. Dialite clock from Westclox which glows reddish orange at night.
3. Today I bought an electric candelabra. These are kind of a dime a dozen, but it's pleasant to read Dracula comics by.
4. Today I bought one of those exercise machines which is like, handlebars hooked to a coil hooked to pedals.

The lady at the thrift store said that people buy those things and never use them. And I told her I never get any exercise.

5. A print of some famous painting about collecting oysters on the beach. It's really nice.
6. Comic books
7. Other stuff.

I started thinking about what my sister would say if I wanted to go back to Milwaukee today. I've had an extreme calming down these past...ten months. I never want to be this...psychologically raped again as long as I live. There were moments where I was literally trying to rip my hair out of my head. I do not like being controlled. Though I do wish there was someone I could trust to tell me exactly when to shut up.

I've become a thrift store junkie. I just want to go back tomorrow. I've really got nothing else to do. Maybe go to the one in Le Mars, or travel to Sioux Center and see what they've got. So bored. I don't know what else they could possibly have that I need. I've been looking for sweaters. There's all kinds of cool shit -- I just don't need it. There's gotta be something though. Something to be my special friend during this crisis of my life. A new friend every day!

If there is one thing I have learned this year, it's that there are people who will just be there for you. Who love you and are your friends. It's really amazing. People like Stephanie! Who I got another package from today with cool prizes. Back to my old self again?

Midwest Metal RAWR!!! 666!

2009-11-01T18:33:16Z

So I got up the gumption to go by myself to a show that was advertised last night, Midwest Metal in Sioux City. There was much Halloweening going down on Historic 4th Street. (No idea why it's historic. I thought about it driving there yesterday and thought...maybe it was Sioux City's first 2-way street.) Not long after I sat down at a table with my Bud Light, when what to my dazzling eyes did appear, but Jess! She had come to see Rich's band play. This was a very good thing, or I would have ended up sitting by myself at that table all night.

Then we went to the strip club. Jess works there and we were going to bowl. But she didn't like the looks of the characters in the back. It was weird for me, because I'd driven past a few days before and told myself I'd never go in a strip club, not for me, and then someone asks me and I'm like, "Okay!" How fish-out-of-water did I look, I wonder. I wonder if that's the last time I ever go to a strip club. Probably. I think it was a good thing to see at least once, definitely not what I expected. This particular strip club was so dense and small, it kind of reminded me of people crowded together on fold-out chairs in somebody's back yard. Jess eventually got called in to work and I drove home.

All in all, not a bad Halloween. Better than sleeping at home, I guess. Though sleeping at home I would have had more opportunities to imagine pumpkins and witches flying across the hallowed moon.

Oh, and the show was being picketed by Christians with "Christ Died For Your Sins" signs. Which, of course, only had the effect of adding atmosphere to the evening.

OHHH...and I went to the Goodwill yesterday and they had tons of comics, in book form, in mint condition. I couldn't get them all, but I picked up Watchmen, Ultimate X-Men "Magnetic North", Ultimate X-Men "Ultimate War", Ultimate Spider-Man "Ultimate Six", and Essential the Tomb of Dracula. I don't really read comics, but I thought they seemed interesting. The lady at the counter was like, "You must like comics." And I said, "No, just thought I'd give it a try." And I bought a hat with a furry bob on the top. It says PNM around it and I don't know what that means, but I can make something up.

It's a new rite of manhood.

2009-10-30T18:15:50Z

extratv.warnerbros.com/2009/07/wife_burns_hubbys_privates_for.php

I feel less alone this morning. And I have a headache. Think I'm getting sick.

I went to ShopKo today.

2009-10-29T23:55:18Z

I wanted to apply for a job. Their sign outside said to apply at the kiosk inside. The kiosk was from 1979. It didn't work. So after like, two minutes, I got up and left.

It wasn't a total bust, though! I stopped by Hillview Park on the way and took some pictures.

Brag

2009-10-26T22:38:40Z

97 percentile Reading, 98 percentile English, 92 percentile Math. Shit's goin' down, dawg.

Signed up for classes. Yeah. Aaand...I already had a credit in Composition.

Yay!!!

More for you!

2009-10-26T07:07:04Z

I got the call back from Bamboo Village about being their Chinese food delivery boy. I could live with this. I wonder if they would pay for gas. I don't know how that works. I would hope...they would pay for gas... 'Cause otherwise I'll end up losing money to work for someone, which just wouldn't seem right. But then again, maybe most of the time I'll just be sitting there eating Chinese food. That would kind of rock.

Maybe I'll decorate my car with Bamboo Village paraphernalia and everyone will say, "There it is. The Bamboo Village car."

Tomorrow I go to WIT for my meeting with the adviser. Don't really want to do any of this. Want to find a girlfriend and go live wherever she is.

All Hail the Taffy Queen!

2009-10-22T06:19:39Z

Today I received yet another lovely package from xstephanigox with delightful rolls and taffy and other baked goods. And an awesome pin which I put on my jacket which says "R. FOR RABID" so everyone will get the picture right off the bat. :) Thanks Stephanie...

Ugh. Tomorrow is the day of The Big Exam, as I like to call it. Even though I haven't had anybody to call it that to since I applied. It would have been intriguing to them; it's a shame. I don't know how well I'll do, but as Stephanie and I have been discussing...

TRYING IS SUCCESS!

I went to WIT today to see if they had computer practice exams, and they ended up giving me the same stack of practice tests I already had. I turned around and drove all the way back home.

:L

2009-10-20T18:21:49Z

I applied for college the other day. I have an appointment on Thursday and must take an entrance exam for placement. I don't have exceedingly high hopes for this, but I'll try. I'm going to go down there today and see if I can find some practice stuff on their computer systems -- I think they're supposed to have practice stuff. And go apply for some jobs. Mayhaps I will move to Sioux City when this is all through while I attend school and work.

Mayhaps not.

I need to take a shower. I had really intense dreams this morning. I hate how, in my dreams, I feel so intensely, but then when I wake up I start criticizing my own ability to feel and don't feel as strongly anymore, when I know those feelings must have been real.

Yesterday I was thinking about Callie and Pup and it's always been confusing to me as to how I should feel, because maybe they survived. But then I realized I just wished they were here now.

So?

2009-10-15T15:47:21Z

I've been having terrible dreams. They aren't terrible as such in your general nightmarish sort of way. The feeling is just one of abysmal detachment.

Decorative porcelain drinking fountains for sale, crudely made to look like Donald Duck...spraying some innocent girl off my lawn with a high pressure hose while telling her "No shit allowed." More examples of which I daren't even speak.

I wonder how filthy the air in this house is. I stay in my bedroom with the window open, though it's starting to freeze outside. There is a room in this house that is blocked off. It has been for a few years. The trees outside scraped a hole in the roof, and my dad never bothered to fix it. I think "vile" would be the word.

And I'm quite prepared for this house to explode. I've come to terms with that.

I'm probably going to go down to WIT, maybe today, and see about taking some classes. It doesn't help to write in this journal, because it makes it feel as though I have some sort of connection to the outside world, when it is my hellish desperation that is motivating me onward. I've never felt like I've truly gotten the opportunity to bemoan my lot in life, which I think holds me back a bit. I live in a world of shit, and I hardly complain at all.

I suppose if I could even complain, it would be as though I was actually doing fine. And then you have to take into account all of the people who just don't give a shit, and I wouldn't, but I'm in a worse mess. I guess when your life has been as unfair as mine has (boo hoo, yeah yeah)...you start to wonder if it isn't some kind of curse or endurance test. It's like I'm constantly getting fucked over just for being the way I am. Or I've always given myself over to people who are horrible for me, always for their benefit, never for mine. Maybe that's different now...maybe I'll start running into people who actually care about me and have concern for my well-being in a real way. But then, you get so lonely...it's like, nothing matters except being around someone.

Oh well...I suppose there is just no telling.

Addendum: Went to the Salvation Army and saw a porcelain Donald Duck lid only to a cookie jar. Premonition?

Callie Died...

2009-10-11T19:07:09Z

What makes a cat special? Their personality.

Well...last night, I was laying down in bed and Callie came into my room. She started peeing in my bed, and I got pee on my foot. I was like, "What is going on?" "Why would my foot suddenly be warm, besides pee?" But it was pee, of course. There's no mistaking it.

Now, why does a pee in bed precede a death? I don't know -- I figured she just had to pee.

So she climbed up on my keyboard, and as I lay there, she stared at me. It was a strange gaze, in retrospect as if she was getting a last look at me. I set her on the floor and she went to sleep. The last I saw of her, she was moving her legs and making happy noises, like she was running after a mouse or something.

She was 17 years old... Which is something like...400 years old in cat years.

A Morning to Rant

2009-10-09T17:22:14Z

Barack Obama is a very important person and he won a prize. Just to remind you that the president is a very important person.

Where are the prizes for all the people who work hard every day of their lives? Oh yeah, they don't need prizes. Because they're fucking grown-ups. Homeless Vietnam vets... But the president won a prize!! What an exciting day!! Let's all hold hands and dance in a circle.

No wait...it's just a prize. I wonder what he makes of it. Whoever dismantles the Nobel Peace Prize and gives that money to charity...should win the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Prize motivates smart people to do good things. All smart people want is money and recognition. No, they get exactly what they deserve. And so do homeless Vietnam vets.

FUUUUCK YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUuu.

Yes, this world is completely fucked up. But there's nothing you can do about it. Because you're not going to try. Because you don't give a fuck. Because you're a lying fucking hypocrite.

Not talking to you, Good People Who Read My Livejournal.

I had a job interview at the Goodwill yesterday. Hope I get the job! It was another night of So You Wanna Fight? at Marty's.

More From the Weird Dreams Dept.

2009-10-07T16:01:46Z

Baby boy sitting on roof of shed. Me and this old man try to explain to the baby that it's in danger. Then the baby clutches its head and is like, "That will make the voices stop?" And throws himself off the shed. His head smacks the blacktop below...but he's still alive. It was comical, because the baby seemed so uninterested after landing.

Shlepy

2009-10-07T05:45:20Z

Went over to Jess and Marty's today, to go to a PTA with Jess. We watched a video, colored, and the teachers danced to a song and we clapped. It was really fun. Jess won a scarecrow.

Marty has a weird hat. It's like a furry hunting cap.

No need to panic.

2009-10-06T18:54:59Z

I think that, perhaps, I have tapped into that part of the human psyche that registers absolute disbelief. It's nightmarish; it truly is. I can only hope that it keeps revolving, as I make my way through this circle of Hell. Everything moves like clockwork here, accidentally, or purely naturally, attacking me. It no longer burns, but it doesn't stop.

Yet I have only recently acknowledged that it might just be a passing thing. Before I'd always assumed. It's been months now, without food or water, nourishment of any kind. Will it ever vanish? Or will my emotions vanish first?

Is it a battle to the death, or will it simply...float away...

Things

2009-10-06T00:46:37Z

It's a snowglobe. Which tells the date. And you can put money in the back. Notice the twin towers. How can I forget now?

And this is a cat I got before. LOL HAHAHAHA

It may be anticlimactic.

2009-10-05T23:39:14Z

It's strange how people don't let you live things down, but I don't think anybody's to blame. I wonder if people can even help but take any opportunity to elevate themselves. I wonder if I'm even cognizant of things I don't let people live down.

I drove to Sioux City AGAIN today and bought the monitor. And something else, which I'll photograph later. A little something special.

Yeah, Sure, I'd Like to Have Children Someday

2009-10-04T22:13:38Z

I drove to Sioux City today. Down back roads... Need to take a camera next time. Looking for computer monitor, many people with anti-abortion signs standing at side of the road.

Eventually found computer monitor. Didn't buy it, because I forgot that I have computer monitor cables. Didn't feel like carrying it to the counter.

So Fuzzy

2009-10-03T07:30:22Z

Jess and I did laundry tonight. We played Mrs. Pacman and I got all the way to the banana. Very good for someone who rarely plays Mrs. Pacman. They've had the same tabletop Mrs. Pacman at the laundromat since I was a kid. I find that kind of strange. I suppose...they just own it. It seems as though the owners would have changed over the years, though. Perhaps someone owned it and left it.

Then we went in the bar to play pinball and pass the time, and Jess selected the song that goes "fuck you very much". It was a little scary, what with all the "small town" strangers surrounding us. (I don't mean to judge falsely.) A switch from the regular country music. A little bit scary around here, anyway... I can't tell if people are strangers or not. I don't recognize any faces, but people change so much. Jess was playing pinball, and this guy who was leaving said, "I wish I was that pinball machine." That doesn't make any sense, man!

Then we went back to Marty and Jess's, and Aaron was there! So that was cool.

shrug

2009-10-02T07:43:31Z

Marty, Mike, and I hung out for a little while tonight. First, we watched Pink Floyd/Wizard of Oz. A pretty good idea to make a soundtrack to Wizard of Oz. They should have made a follow up, though. I suppose someone could do the rest...it'd have to be perfect, though. Not that the aforementioned could necessarily be determined to be so.

Toto reminded me of Pup. I wonder if they're the same kind of dog -- I think they might be.

There was a commercial for something called the Pain Patch -- it was a recall. They were recalling a Pain Patch. It was like, duh...of course no one wants to wear a patch that brings them pain.

Then we watched...I think it was called...So You Want to Fight? Which is completely disorganized boxing. It's not like...Ultimate Fighting or anything. It's like, what you always want to see if you're watching boxing but never get to...people wildly throwing punches, hoping they'll land. Pretty entertaining.

Scary Halloween Dream

2009-10-01T06:37:47Z

It's a dark and stormy night. The kind that come just before Halloween.

I'm a little anxious to get in bed and listen to the storm.

Kid Gets Beaten To Death, No One Cares

2009-09-28T22:25:14Z

Everything is sensationalized to the point where it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Human life is just...nothing.

I just saw a kid getting beaten to death on CNN. No, children getting beaten to death -- that's not too reprehensible for the viewing public. Let's not instill any sense in the public that this is something abhorrent. Let's just listen to some talking head heartlessly repeat "This is terrible. This is horrible." Everybody's been brainwashed!

Having Some Gags Together

2009-09-27T06:12:37Z

I'm tired as a box of rocks. Today I babysat Dimi for an hour or so. He is dressing up as Luigi for Halloween. I may have the opportunity to be Mario if I can afford the costume by Halloween. I look nothing like Mario, however. Later on in the evening I hung out with Marty. We had some gags.

Addendum My dad hooked a laser pointer onto my keychain, which I used to try to signal a plane at 30,000ft. Marty warned me not to, or it might send a real laser down to blast me.